Another Day in Paradise (Or a Study of the Effects of Tequila on the Human Mind)

System updates—we’ve all experienced the incredible euphoria of that announcement. You get the nicely worded email at work and you know your life will soon turn to crap. We got the emails on Friday. The updates were to take place over the weekend, which meant Monday would be a new adventure through the Nine Rings of Hell. Happy, happy, joy, joy.

Well, here in Illinois, it’s called the Seven Gates of Hell. Those gates can be found near Collinsville, Illinois, along Lebanon Road as you travel toward Troy. Legend has it there are many horrors facing the unwary traveler at the stroke of midnight. You can find out more about it here: http://nightfallunlimited.com/?p=6.

But I digress. This is not what I’m writing about, so back to the subject at hand.

Anyway, Monday rolled in with all the troubles we would normally expect . . . and a few we didn’t. By 5:00 P.M., I was ready to pull my hair out, but I shucked it off and clocked out. There’s a trick to shutting off the work day. It took me years to figure it out, but I’m usually successful at it now. Monday was behind me and life was good.

Until Tuesday.

I’m getting to hate Tuesdays almost as much as Mondays. Still, like everyone else, I slogged through slow systems, internet interruptions and a constant barrage of client issues—each worse than the last. Like Gloria Gaynor, I survived. (Oops, just showed my age.)

Then dawns Wednesday. On the scale of hated days, Wednesday usually ranks fairly low. We all hate the camel that demands you guess what day it is, but hump day signals the downhill slide to the weekend. Unless it was this day, this Wednesday.

Like a moment from my pre-teen life, I rolled over when the alarm went off and begged, “Mom, just five more minutes,” and went back to sleep. Yeah, brilliant move, that. I woke again fifteen minutes before clock-in time. Man, don’t you just hate it when that happens? It was a mad dash to the bathroom to splash water on my face and pass a brush over my teeth.

The kid pounded on the bathroom door, entreating entry. Tough. I was late. She had to grit her teeth and struggle through the minutes until I emerged and ran back to the bedroom to toss off the nightgown, make a stab at making my bed and throw on whatever mismatched clothes I could find on laundry day. (Okay, laundry day was Sunday and I didn’t get it done. Don’t judge.)

I took three minutes for eggs over easy and to set water on for tea, then it was a mad dash to the office.

Relax, people. The office is at the front of my house. I clocked in exactly on time . . . I think. It was kind of hard to tell since I wasn’t really paying attention. I was too busy trying to get the systems up and running.

I work with a VDI system. I’m told that means Virtual Desktop something-or-other. My dear friend, Joey Walnuts, says it means, “A totally #$%@ up day in techno hell,” but those are his words (and colorful symbols), not mine. All I know about it is it has no hard drive, you cannot save anything on it and if it doesn’t like something you do, it locks up and you have to start all over. I was on my third start-all-over when I started drinking tea like it was going out of style. I had to get awake, and quick.

My first phone call from a doctor’s office looking to get an issue fixed was answered with a rough voice and a sneeze. I apologized while my caller blessed me and I jumped into the work day. Then the #$%@ up (again, Joey’s words) VDI kicked me out. The poor caller had to wait ten minutes while I got the stupid thing up and running again. She helped with humorous comments about stunning technology and stellar savings on our valuable time.

We laughed through the call and on I moved to the second. That’s when the dog went off. There’s a new neighbor in the maple tree out front. He’s a squirrel we named Sly because he’s a tricky little fellow. Sly mocks Lucy the Bichon and Lucy is not one to take such an affront lying down. Sly has been known to climb onto the screen where the dog likes to nap and chatter derisively at her. This day was no exception, but I digress again.

The caller started laughing as I apologized for the loud and intemperate animal snapping, snarling and barking at the disrespectful little beast hanging from the screen. If I live to be a hundred, I’ll never understand how one small ball of white fluff can make so much noise.

I made it through the call. The dog got through it unscathed even though I had threatened to cook her up on the barbeque grille out front. She just snorted at me, barked at the window one more time and went back to sleep.

The next call was even more fun when the internet went out and I lost the caller. I have a lump on my forehead where I pounded it on the desk in frustration. I knew when I saw the Mediacom truck drive by my office window it wasn’t going to be good. For the next forty-five minutes, the internet was up and down until I finally called the company and was told they were doing maintenance on the lines. Well, that’s great. I’ll just take a couple of hours without pay while you all have a good time. She apologized and said it wasn’t supposed to disrupt service. I told her to call her guys and get them to fix it immediately or I was going to walk over and find them. I made her understand this was not a scene she wanted her guys to experience. Five minutes later, it was up and running with no further interruptions.

Lunch time.

I fixed a lovely meal of tomatoes with basil from the garden, pan-seared salmon with dill sauce and iced tea. It was a nice meal because I needed strength to get through the rest of the day.

I came back to work and the VDI was down again. Okay, so Joey was right. It truly was behaving like a #$%@ up tool. Fortunately, it only took a few minutes to get running again and I clocked in on time. After slogging through a few more calls with slow systems and a worsening attitude, I reached for chocolate to keep myself out of the liquor cabinet. I had dreams of a mojito or a shot of tequila with a nice wedge of lime. I abstained. Regretfully.

At break time, I got a bag of ice for the growing bump on my forehead and took a swing at Sly with a ball bat. Hey! It’s not your miserable day. It was mine. And don’t worry. The squirrel was much faster.

Back in the house, a large and fearsome wasp was making himself at home on my desk. I discovered this when I came back in after chasing the fluffy-tailed monster away from my house. Mr. Wasp was sitting on my headset. Without my headset, I cannot do my job. I work for a call center, for crying out loud. I have to take calls.

Ah, the bug zapper. Of course. After a quick run to the gazebo to get an apparatus that looks like a badminton racket—but is decidedly more deadly—I came back to fight the now-infamous Battle of the Headset. The wasp was the aggressor, I swear. I had no choice but to defend my home and my livelihood from the creature. After knocking over a vase of flowers, toppling a shelf of books, smacking a cup of tea all over the carpeting and destroying a desk lamp, the wasp was cornered in the window against the screen. I had him now.

This ingenious zapper is activated with the touch of a button. Aldis sells them for less than $2.00 and I bought several. They make a satisfying snap, crackle and hiss when you slap them against bugs. It smokes some, and it smells some, but it’s vindication against troublesome insects. The wasp was no exception. It smoked and smoldered and fell down dead in the windowsill. Yeah! That’s right. I won and the wasp died a horrible death. I have no remorse. I just wish I’d removed him from his final resting place and flushed him down the toilet. Ah, well. Live and learn.

Anyway, I was late. I had to get back to work. Lo and behold, the VDI was up and working—for the moment.

By 4:24 P.M., it was down again. Another call to the help desk and it wasn’t fixed. At 5:01 P.M. I ended my work day with a slam of my chair against the wall.

Enter tequila. As I contemplated the evening menu and the family arrived home, I pulled out a lovely bottle from my collection of fine tequilas. Just as I uncorked the bottle, I heard the worst screaming of any mother’s life. My child had gone outside to the gazebo, stepped on a wasp and remembered why I always tell her to wear her shoes. Too bad she didn’t actually put her shoes on before heading out.

Our home has become the center for vengeful wasps since the now-infamous Battle of the Headset. They’re all bent on retribution for the terrible crime of having slaughtered one of their own. They exacted that vengeance on my child. This shall not stand!

After some quick first aid and a hug to the shuddering, devastated child, I grabbed all the weapons I could find and went after the enemy. Now, those who know me know I don’t use pesticides, but we keep one single can of hornet killer around because I’m allergic. One sting and I’m ill. More than one and it can be deadly. I was on the warpath and anything flying was my enemy. I found the wasp that dared to touch my daughter and made it my first target. Vanquished, the terrible beast fell from the sky like so much spent ash. Then I went after its sisters and brothers.

That done, I tried to remember what I was doing before the terrible disruption of a screaming, damaged child. That’s when I saw the mess in my office. Broken lamp pieces still lay scattered about. Books were all a-tumble. I had managed to clean up the spilt tea, but the rest had to be set right. So, as I sat in my office chair, reorganizing the mess, I heard a horrified moan behind me.

“Mom, another wasp. It’s trying to kill me.”

Sure enough, when I turned it was to see my again-bare-footed daughter tiptoeing backwards away from an advancing winged dragon that limped across the floor. I glanced at the window sill. The little monster from earlier had not truly died. It was gone and set on attacking the princess. I grabbed the bug zapper, yelled at her to get back and brought the instrument of death down on the fiend once more. It sizzled. It snapped. It sparked—and it stung the zapper over and over. When it finally stopped moving, I scooped it up in a tissue and witnessed it trying to sting the paper. Straight to the toilet and a resounding flush later, I hoped it didn’t crawl back out and try to sting her on the butt at some point. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have mentioned it aloud in front of the girl because now she’s afraid of the bathroom. Live and learn.

Throwing my hands in the air, I moved back to the tequila and fixing supper. I wanted to pour the wonderful elixir into a pretty glass, but . . . my daughter’s cell phone rang again.

 So, getting back to earlier in the day, one of the issues I had was the cell phone she left in my care. It rang several times an hour. All. Day. Long.

Okay, she’s a young, new teenager with a cell phone. But this isn’t one of those times. You see, someone has been systematically harassing my daughter. It’s not a bully or someone from her school. It’s not anyone from the community. It’s a spam caller of some sort. The number is (458)201-2338.

That’s right! I posted it.

It’s okay. This number is all over the internet with warnings about spammers or fishers trying to get personal information. The number called no less than sixteen times and I was no longer on the clock. They had called eight times on Monday and ten times on Tuesday. I intended to answer this time, as I had done on my lunch and break.

These people don’t even know who they’re calling. They ask for a name that doesn’t belong in this house. When you ask who’s calling, they start stuttering, acting as if they can no longer hear you and disconnect. Well, this time I wasn’t going to allow such. I answered the phone. The heavily-accented voice asked for “Mr. Dawn”.

The next sound he heard was a maniacal laughter. Then I launched into a tirade that had my injured child backing out of the room.

I yelled, "Don't you act like you can't hear me. I know English isn't your first language, but I know you can understand me. This is my child's phone. I've already reported you to law enforcement, several consumer fraud agencies and my attorney. You call again, it's grounds for prosecution. If that doesn't work, I'll come find you. Say I won't. I'll find you and we'll talk face to face. Am I making myself clear? I will travel to India, Indonesia or whatever exotic country you live in, but I swear I’ll find you. I will not stand for anyone—I mean, anyone—harassing my little girl. Do you understand me? Do you? Answer me!”

The voice on the other end had grown very small. “I . . . I’m sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t cut it, pal. You terrorized my child. Do you know what that means here in the good ol’ states? We don’t stand for such cruelty, such unwarranted bullcrap.”

“I . . . hello?”

“Don’t you dare act like you can’t hear me. You hang up before I get all this off my chest and I’ll reach through this electronic cellular line and snatch you bald-headed. You called this number no less than fifteen times, today—sixteen, counting this one—and you have yet to give me any information about why you’re disturbing us. Why did you call?”

“Hello?”

“Find a teacher. Learn to speak my language if you want to get anywhere with my species. In the meantime, get bent.”

There was a resounding click. I managed to yell all of it at the poor man on no less than three breaths of air while the child was moaning and backing from the room and the husband was storming in to demand to know what was happening.

I was beyond angry. I was searching for a new victim—until I happened to touch something on the iPhone in my hand. There was the answer to the dilemma, staring me in the face. I had the option of blocking the number. What a dumbass! I hadn’t even considered the nifty little phone could do such a thing. I blocked the number and started to laugh at myself. All that drama and all we had to do was block the number.

Okay, so we live and learn. It was a funny thing. After yelling my heart out at the hapless call agent from the Philippines or Taiwan or wherever, I felt much better. It was most cathartic. All the stress of the day washed itself away on that poor man’s hide (or ears, as the case may be) and I was a new woman.

The tequila, now forgotten—and still un-savored—sat on the liquor cabinet with all its contents intact. Supper was prepared, my mood was lighter and my husband and child were cowering in fear. It’s the same effect tequila has on my brain, but I didn’t need it. It was a good day after all.

Of Dust Bunnies and Other Domestic Horrors.

The plight of a working mother with two jobs is made worse with a choice. The choice was, do I continue writing, or give it up to be a better housekeeper, a better mother, a better wife. I gave it up—for almost a week. I found out I’m a better wife and mother if I can exercise my craft. I write, therefore, I am.

But that says nothing for my housekeeping. With only so many hours in the day—and night—something gets left out. Let’s face it, would anyone rather do housework than anything else in the world, say, even a root canal?

Each week, I squeeze out an hour or two to run the sweeper, man a dust rag and toss a few things in the laundry (only what’s absolutely needed to dress myself or my child) and spend the rest of the time in pursuit of the creative. Everything changes. Some changes are good.

Recently my day job offered the opportunity to work from home. I thought it over for a long time. It’s a lot to consider. Do I wish to always be in my own home, to never leave during the daylight hours, to not have coworkers surrounding me and laughing? As it turned out, I decided I could live with it. It was the advent of winter that sealed the deal. The thought of my pretty red sporty car on the snow and ice was enough to scare my hair white.

The things you discover when you’re in your own home twenty-four hours a day are mind-boggling. One of those things is that the housekeeping gene in my family is dominant. I thought it had skipped my generation. I thought it might actually be a disease that only affects those in my family such as my grandmother and my mother. We suffered through a childhood of demands, such as, “Pick up your shoes,” “Clean your room,” “Your turn to do dishes,” and “Is this where you found it? Clean up this mess!”

I now hear those words flying from my own mouth. I swore it wouldn’t happen, but it’s happening. The twelve-year-old princess is finding out what it’s like to live with a stay-at-home mom. I don’t think she’s pleased. Those chores do pile up.

For the first few weeks at home I tried to turn a blind eye. Then it hit me all at once. I’ve lost control of my life. There are things in my house that I’m ashamed of, other things I cannot find, and still other things so disorganized I cannot figure them out.

Then the new year hit. The Christmas decorations were stored away for another year and the place looked like a warmed-over version of hell. Still, I tried to ignore it. Nagging feelings of total chaos danced in my head. It even got to the point where I could no longer write. It’s too much chaos!

Things had to change, so, New Year’s resolutions:

1.       Clean this Mother Hubbard (censored expletive) of a house.

2.       Be kinder to myself and others.

3.       Wrestle back control of my life.

It came to a head one day while working at my day-job. I work for a call center, answer questions for those who call in and ask. There is no room for errors. So, as I researched the needed information, I was brutally attacked. That’s right, attacked. A small horde of vicious dust bunnies took flight and went for my eyes. Thinking fast, I put my caller on hold and went on the defensive, swatting and swinging until the nasty creatures were subdued.

After the call, I took my break and went on the hunt for that horrifying, unnatural being known as the domestic dust bunny. It was the dog who had flushed them from their hiding places. The evidence was quite literally written on her poor face in the form of fuzzy gray balls of fluff. She looked confused, upset and not a little terrified. Something had to be done. The malicious creatures had taken on life and were stealing the dog’s food and socks from the laundry monster. Unbelievable.

I was on a mission. Over the next few days I tore into each room, tracking and hunting, evicting spiders along the way as I sought out self-animated and self-aware dust bunnies. It was in the man cave where I found the breeding ground. I was at war and the stakes were high. At one point I even thought about using my husband’s old shotgun. I won’t tell you what I did about the thought, but the husband was not amused. The most difficult part was patching the holes in the floor, walls and door.

They’re all gone now.

Still, there were my goals for this year. There are things that stand in the way of such lofty goals—things such as the laundry monster and the mail beast.

The laundry monster is pretty well self-explanatory. We’ve all experienced such creations of our own making. The pile grows higher and higher until an avalanche threatens to destroy lives. After getting the many missing socks from the now-vanquished dust bunnies, the pile grew higher. I started on it straight away.

What to do while waiting for the laundry was to tackle the mail beast. This creature is a bit more rare. We don’t throw out our junk mail. We don’t have a shredder, but we have a fireplace. One does not fire up the fireplace in the heat of the summer, so one stores the mail until such time as a fire is feasible.

By that time, feasibility of a fire was not an issue. The mail beast was. It was too large to tackle. It was spreading its piles across the counters, reproducing asexually and making a bid for world domination. Cooking meals was becoming risky.

You see, it wasn’t a matter of scooping it off the counter and making trips to the fireplace. The problem was it wasn’t all junk mail. There were needed documents in the beast, documents that weren’t a priority, but needed to be sorted from the belly of the beast and filed away. Daunting at best.

So, while the laundry was going, and the dust was settling, the mail had to be sorted. I was well through it all, had most of it sorted into piles according to subject or into the flames when I ran across something startling—a letter from one of my best friends. It was dated July, 2013.

Chaos ensued and won the day while I stopped to read the coveted, rare, hand-written, post-marked letter. When was the last time you got such a rare treat? I nearly did a jig of joy. (Okay, I did the dance since no one was looking.)

The mail beast was left in its sorted piles while I answered the letter with five rambling pages of hand-written silliness. It had to be answered immediately. It had waited for an answer for six months.

The letter is now in the mail and when I glanced over, I saw that the beast was once more trying to retake it’s former shape, although much reduced in size. Meh, I’ll worry about it tomorrow.

The Blessings of Life

7/3/10

It was a good week.  Hell, it was a grand week.  All things considered, it ended on a very high note.

At the end of last week, I thought things were pretty crappy.  I was facing a Saturday morning spent in overtime, followed by an afternoon of long-overdue washing in the musty, humid confines of our friendly neighborhood laundromat. 

My washer is dying.  My dryer isn’t in much better shape.  The house needs work—lots of work—and book sales ain’t what I wish they would be.  After spending $1200.00 to keep my lemon of a Saturn on the road, I’ve been running a bit short in the cash department. 

Summer expenses are the worst.  You shell out money for entertainment in the long summer days.  You pay for fancy summer schools to keep the kids’ minds engaged.  Then there’s air conditioning for those sweltering days and supplies to keep the sun from frying your skin and the bugs from eating you alive.  Vacations—even those spent at home—take a bite out of the pocket book.  And let’s not forget yard beautification!  It costs a pretty penny not to be the one house in the hood people cluck their tongues at.  Sigh.  Summer is expensive and the income remains the same as any other time of year. 

Ah, but I digress (like always).  It was Saturday and not starting out to be the weekend of my dreams.  So off to work I went, to spend some quality time trapped inside my stall at the cube farm.  Gratifying though it was to see I wasn’t alone in the world of financial crunch, I would happily have given anything to be anywhere else.  As I looked out over the sea of equally dismal faces, I wondered what these people would be doing if not stuck to an over-cooled office on such a fine, sunny day.  Would there have been pool parties, trips to parks with kids in need of parental attention, cookouts and picnics?  What price do we pay when we sacrifice our lives to the almighty dollar?

I stayed as long as I could stand—three and a half hours.  I promised to stay longer, but there comes a point when too much is enough.  I left.

The laundromat was fun.  I loaded two large carts with all the dirty clothes and bedding I had in the car and wheeled it all inside.  There was a lot of wash.  To say no one besides the driver would fit in my vehicle would be an understatement.  As it was, I had to shift with the load while I drove.

Once inside the stink of the place, feeling the sweat of other patrons hanging in the air and surrounded by the chemical stench of detergents and fabric softeners, and the aforementioned sweat, I wondered if the wash could wait another week.  As this thought was wending its way through my brain, one of the hampers tumbled off the cart and spilled forth on the floor.  No, it couldn’t wait.

I loaded up three four-load machines, two double-load machines and three single loaders.  After kissing goodbye to $25.00, I sat down to wait for the wash cycles to finish.  It was at this time I looked around at the other hapless patrons.  One thing I noticed was how shabbily everyone was dressed.  Yep, it was laundry day.  They were down to rags that were two sizes too small—a lamentable sight.  Apparently there is no dress code at the coin wash and I was over-dressed in my business casual. 

One woman kept yelling at her tweenies, while her husband/significant other rolled his eyes in frustration.  An older, tidy gentleman carefully guarded his two washers, stepping between them and anyone who dared wander too close.  A woman with the shape of a beach ball—with tiny head and short limbs—was intent upon telling me all about her horrendous health issues, going into vivid detail about the manner in which her many cysts were lanced.  A strange looking man was busily spraying every inch of every stitch of clothing he had with “Shout”.  Very odd.  My favorite, though, was the man with the braids in his long gray beard.  I’m just sure there’s a story there.

On the TV was some low-budget horror flick with bad acting and terrible animatronics.  The spectators were cheering for the monsters and laughing at the unbelievable panic of the nameless actors.  Ah, entertainment. 

When the washers finished, I began the arduous task of removing a couple hundred pounds of wet blankets, towels and clothing from my many washers.  The clientele of a laundromat is very territorial.  When I filled ten dryers along one long wall and staked out two tables for myself, I received quite a few nasty glances.  Tough ta-tas, ladies and gentlemen.  I got a lot to do and less time to do it in.

It’s been a long time since I’d been in a coin wash.  Did you know that you only get eleven minutes per quarter in a dryer these days?  I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ve never been able to get anything dry in eleven minutes and I was running out of coins fast, so off to the change machine I went.

I passed by the guy guarding his washers and made the mistake of stepping too close.  He almost ran me down getting to them before I could steal his jockeys.  After waiting in line for the man ahead of me to scoop his change out, I slipped a twenty in the slot and heard that lovely clang of eighty quarters slamming into a metal tray.  “Jackpot!” I yelled and began snatching at the coins as if I’d hit it big in Vegas.  The manager was not amused.  I was by her expression though.

On my way back to the dryers, I noticed Shout-man was still hard at work spraying his trousers.  For a moment I thought of telling him about a new invention called laundry detergent, that you could just pour a measure in and, Voila! your clothes come out clean.  But then I thought maybe it was a kinky fetish of his.  One mustn’t interfere with another’s personal gratification.  I shrugged and went on.

Cyst-woman filled the last two dryers on the end of the row where I worked, taking the table next to mine.  Oh, goody.  A couple more hours of tales of gore and mayhem.  Joy. 

Another woman had come in with seven kids and several loads of wet laundry in tow.  She gave me a scathing look when she saw all the dryers I fed with coins.  The kids commenced to screaming and running the minute they came in until the biggest knocked me down.  Now, this boy was a huge kid, bigger than his rather large mother—but when she saw what happened, she laid into him until he squawked for mercy.  The shivering child found a chair in the corner where he sat quietly for the rest of my stay.  Cyst-woman began mumbling something about minorities who didn’t know how to control their children and I turned up the heat on the dryers.  Come on, clothes!  Cook up already.

I folded, put things on hangers and fed more coins into machines.  The older man, with his few items now neatly folded and tucked under his arm, made a point of approaching me.  He wished me a pleasant day before leaving and pointedly ignored everyone else.  How very peculiar.  Shout-man continued to spray his shirts.

Cyst-woman had finished the descriptions of her underarm cysts and boils and moved on to her copious amounts of stomach mucous.  I began making deals with the dryers.  “If you work a little faster, I’ll hook you up with that smart-looking washer over there.  You know she wants you.”  “Okay, look, just get the clothes dry fast and I’ll see you get a long vacation on the Island of Misfit Toys.  Help me out a little, will ya?”

Finally!  It seemed to take forever (four and a half hours actually), and I’d already made several trips to my car with loads of clean things, but it was all finished.  Big Mama smiled at me and apologized again for her clumsy son.  Cyst-woman seemed rather dejected that I was leaving.  Shout-man finally started his washers.  Braided-beard had a twinkle in his eye as he grinned and waved.  I still think there’s a story there.

Home again after a very long day, I carried the first basket of items in and set it down on the carpeting.  Something was different.  With a frown on my face, I looked carefully about the place.  Had hell frozen?  Was I losing my mind?  Was I hallucinating? 

The house was clean.  Not just tidied a bit, but really clean.  The furniture gleamed, the carpet had luster and the kitchen was spotless.  Even the kitchen floor sparkled from a fresh scrubbing.  Halleluiah!  I didn’t know what had happened, but I thanked the goddess of all celestial housekeeping for her kind intervention and went in search of my husband.  Every room I passed was tidy, beds made, things put away. 

When I found him, he said something to me that I’ll never forget:  “You worked hard today.  I don’t want you to do anything but relax.”

My response?   “Who are you messing around with and how did you get her to clean the house?”

Yes, I’m sarcastic and rude, but give me a break.  This was completely out of character for him.  He’s not above helping me on house-keeping day, but he so rarely ever takes the initiative, I couldn’t help being a little suspicious. 

Then I decided it didn’t matter.  If he was screwing around, he was forgiven.  Gentlemen, let me clue you in on something about women.  When our homes are in order, all is right with the world.  We become very happy creatures.  I came home to a clean house.  That’s all that mattered.  And he got a big hug, a big smile and a very sloppy thank you kiss from a very grateful wife. 

After everything, the weekend was going to be all right.  And it had stopped raining.  The constant monsoon that was our Illinois spring had finally trickled to a halt. 

Sunday dawned sunny and hot.  The air was so thick you needed a machete to cut off a chunk to breathe, but I wasn’t about to let that stop me.  The yard needed a lot of attention.  All the rain had done wonders for the flower beds and tomatoes, but the weeds were taking over.  I had to use a digging fork to pull them all out.  Then my daughter helped me move the piles of refuse to the compost heap—a mound that doubled in size as we worked.  Together we planted the cannas my beloved Aunt Alice so loved and installed the water fountain my mother had given me for Christmas. 

My house was clean, my yard was in better order.  Things were looking up.  Still, one thing bothered me.  The skeleton of my ruined gazebo stood over the barren patio I’d built with my own hands.  It’s such a sad sight.  Knowing I wouldn’t be able to replace what Ma Nature tore asunder really irks me.  I loved writing out there.

Ah, but that’s why I was putting in the extra hours, right?  It was to pay for those extras we just can’t afford at present.  Times are hard all over and I should be grateful I have a job to put the time into.  Still, it would be many weeks of overtime before I could buy a new one.  It wasn’t going to happen this year.

But my house was clean.  When I woke Monday morning, it was still clean.  Oh, how I love a clean house, waking up and walking across the smooth carpeting, fixing breakfast in a neat, tidy kitchen.  I was in a good mood when I drove my child to school.  It was the same when I left work that evening.  Tuesday found me again in a good frame of mind even though I worked late and Wednesday morning when I got up, I found a few things out of place.  No problem.  In ten minutes I had the place neat as pin again.

Wednesday at work was a bit rough and very long.  It seemed everyone I talked to was in a foul temper and bent on taking it out on me.  Life at a call center is a pain in the ass sometimes.  But I was determined to keep everything positive.  I drove home slowly, taking time to unwind—after working extra hours—with the windows wide open and the wind in my hair. 

Pulling to a stop at the edge of the driveway, I got out of the car to get the mail.  There was an envelope from my father.  I thought, this can’t be good, and took a deep breath before opening it.  There were two small pieces of paper inside.  The first was a note.  “Spend this however you want.  With love, Dad.”  That’s all it said.

The second was a check—a very large check. 

My hand went to my mouth.  My butt went to the concrete.  The man who lived across the street came running.

He demanded to know if I was all right.  I said, “My dad is dying.”

“What?”

I handed him the note.  He looked more than a little perplexed as he helped me to my feet.  “My dad isn’t wealthy,” I told him, “and it’s not like him to do something like this.  He must be terribly ill.”

Once in the house, I started dialing the phone while handing the message to my husband.  The line rang as I handed him the check.  He dropped back into a chair and started grinning.  I got my dad’s machine and disconnected.  Once I got my mom on the phone, I asked her if she knew where Dad was and if he was all right.  She started laughing and asked if I’d got the check from him.

He had conferred with her before giving the gift.  It seems he felt his kids needed a little something to smile about and had written a check to each of us—just because.  By the time I finally got Dad on the phone, I was near tears.  I could buy a new washer, get the floor in my kitchen replaced, rebuild the deck, buy a new gazebo and still have enough to make reparations to my dwindling savings. 

My house was clean and no more OT!  Freedom! 

I called my sister and asked if she’d opened her mail.  She informed me she’d been too busy having fun with the neighbors.  “Open it,” I told her.  She launched into a tale of her evening’s fun and I interrupted.  “Open the *bleeping* mail!”

A moment later she was sobbing.  “He’s leaving us,” she said.  “Something’s wrong and he’s not telling us.”  All I could do was laugh.  It was the same reaction I’d had.  “He shouldn’t be doing this,” she insisted.  “We don’t need it.  He needs to keep his money.”

It must be nice, I thought.  No, I don’t really need it either.  The money crunch for us will be over by the end of this month, but it’s a very welcome gift.  Knowing how my father is with money makes it all the sweeter.  It’s not that he’s not generous.  If I really needed money, he’d write me a check in the bat of an eyelash with no questions asked, but he went without a lot as a kid and the lessons of childhood tend to stick for a lifetime.  He is a very frugal man.

Driving to work Thursday was a fun adventure.  With the princess in the back seat chattering away and feeding off my mood, and the radio playing a favorite tune, we made our way through town.  The stop-and-go traffic didn’t bother me.  Even my old nemesis in his pearl-white Cadillac Escalade couldn’t rile me.  I made a point of driving along side him.  As usual, he was juggling his coffee, his cell and his paperwork.  Today it even appeared he had his laptop open in the passenger seat, watching the screen instead of the road. 

With a wicked grin, I gave the horn a little toot.  His coffee hit the windshield and the cell phone hit the floorboard.  As he wrestled for control of the steering wheel and turned to give me a deadly glare, I smiled and waved—not the usual one-finger salute of most mornings, but a genuinely friendly wave.  I think he was a bit shocked because he took on that deer-in-the-headlights expression and offered a hesitant wave of his own. 

The princess laughed.  It’s good to hear her laughter.  The poor kid has been feeling the strain of our tension over the past few weeks.  Today, she’s feeling much lighter and much happier.  Work was actually fun with a few troublesome members of the team gone a day early for the holiday.  My mood of joy continues, a feeling I tried to pass on to everyone I met.  The long weekend awaits and much happy work is ahead at home.

So, to that end, the new Fortress of Solitude is in a carton in my garage—ready to be assembled.  I’m in search of contractor to fix the water damage to my house.  Tomorrow we’ll be shopping for a new washer.  And soon I’ll have the husband swinging a hammer on the new deck.  Life is sweet.  It’s truly amazing what a couple of thoughtful gestures can do for a person’s outlook.